Thursday, December 18, 2008

Psycho-babble or just a babbling psycho?

You probably know a lot more about Freud, Frued, and Froid than I do so I won't make any direct quotes here, but... I do think that that guy makes some sort of claim that everybody, everywhere is obsessed with penises (well, aren't you?) and that children in particular go through stages of anal, oral, and penile obsessions. I don't know if he mentioned that pubescent and post-pubescent young men go through stages of "girl-part" obsession as well, but if he didn't then I think that his theory has a bit of hole in it (or doesn't...). Anyhow, before I get really offensive ('cause I have already sort of offended myself with that bit) let me get to the point: Freud or no Freud, my boy is obsessed with his penis.

Let me give a little of the back story here. It all started out with what seemed like a perfectly normal, little-boy snake obsession. In this boy's case, he really is made of puppy dog tails and pythons (or however that song goes). Instead of crying for a teddy bear at bed time, he cries for his plastic snakes. (On a side note, if you feel like sending him a gift, had really cool 4' plastic snakes - and if you don't think that it would make it here by Christmas, we can always start celebrating 3 Kings' Day on January 6. Hint-hint.) He takes little plastic snakes to Church. He takes them to daycare. And he takes them to the bath with him. Maybe that is why a couple of weeks ago, as my wife was watching him in the bath, he called out to her, "Look, a snake," after which he started hissing menacingly at her, all the while holding his manhood in a threatening manner.

(I believe that Freud would call this behavior part of the Oedipus stage and I think that the next part of this stage involves killing the father. So, if you are worried, I would accept a hand gun as a Christmas gift and it is my advice to send it before Obama and the next Congress officially take office. I am not personally worried about Obama and the next Congress making it harder for me to fend off my little Oedipus, but it is better to be safe and sorry than just plain sorry.)

So the snake behavior has continued since then; sometimes it involves aggressive chasing as he runs around after us but mostly it is just posturing and hissing at bath time or when his pants need changing. (Thank God that there has been no snake bites or venom so far. The moment that happens, his little 'snake' is going to learn what God said to the snake in Genesis chapter three: ''re getting your head bruised you bad snake....' I know that this is not a direct quote, but if it comes to that I think that the boy is going to learn a lot more about God than anything a direct quote can teach him.) [NOTE: READ THIS POST WITH EXCESSIVE SARCASM]

So today I am watching the boy because, well, I am on vacation and there is nothing more relaxing than having a defiant three year old around. Honesty though, he is my favorite kid on the planet and I really do cherish these times that we get to spend together - that is why I am making this written record. I gave him a bath this morning and after thirty minutes or so I tell him that the bath is over. He dutifully drained the tub but stayed in there laying on his back perpendicular to the tub with head and feet elevated. As the water was draining I was looking in the mirror, watching him and brushing my teeth or something, and I thought that I saw him pee a little in the tub. I couldn't really tell because I couldn't see everything in the mirror - mostly I thought that he peed because he suddenly started checking things out down there as if something really important was going on. I turned to look at him directly and he looked up at me. I really can't confirm that he peed but when you hear what he said you might think that I am right. He says to me in the most innocent, new-discovery sort of a way, "It's a little volcano!" Then, apparently not satisfied with that description, he confirmed, "I have a geyser," as he was taking a closer look at things as if to try to make it 'go' again.

I thought that it was pretty funny and he repeated several times over the course of the day, "It's a geyser," always with a sort of breaking news fascination in his voice and always with enough body language to make sure I knew what he was talking about. He even made sure his mom heard the news when she got home this afternoon.

Thank God for three year olds; this one certainly makes life more interesting for me.


Father of not-so-Old Faithful


  1. oh geez. NOT what I expected to find at the end of that post. I AM glad I have daughters, not that we don't have interesting conversations.

  2. I'm impressed that your three year-old has a vocabulary expansive enough to discriminate between a description of a volcano vs. a geyser!

  3. I am just glad that this is now and not ten years from now....